And so you ponder, in your deepest of pondering moments, this famed tournament of tournaments. Only in America does the presidential election primary season take a back seat (if only for a short time) to a sports phenomenon like the NCAA men's tournament. You try to figure it all out, without driving yourself crazy; you try to make sense of it all. "Let's see. There is a whole mess of teams, some of which you never even knew existed...(the Butler Bulldogs? What the...) and you've got to decide what all those little numbers next to the team names mean. (Seeds, ah, got it. Wait, higher number equals better team? I'm confused...)You also need to know where you can print out a bracket-thingie...you have no idea who the mascots are or what the team colors are – because that does matter – how else will you pick the winners – and shit, worst of all, you've got to say who takes it all? You've got to break out your clairvoyancy to the point of choosing the ultimate college basketball team for 2008? Oh, the anxiety...

So what's at stake? Well, you're going to win that 500 bucks, (man). Your tax refund has been spent and you really were looking forward to a new spring wardrobe. You're not going to be the sucker who has to chip in for Chucky's month-long Chipolte binge ('cause that's what he chose as his prize for winning). Hell, this year, you're not even going to lose the 10-dollar investment...on SPORTS...no less. Also at stake, similar to the major upsets of the tournament that inevitably happen each year, is the major upset of the Girl (or Gay) winner. The upset that the guys in your pool dread (or barely even think about because its "so, unlikely, dude") or the upset known to females as the "He he heh....looked who showed those guys" retort from chicks around the nation. It usually happens when a girl/gay chooses some unknown team because she or he thought the point guard was hot, or liked how the mascot did that funny little dance when his team scored, or he liked how so-and-so player's ass looks delicious in basketball shorts or how cut his arms were or....ahhh but I digress...you get the point. An upset is an upset and its amusing. End of story. Now there's something Sports Center should recap over and over and over again....

So girls, (and gays), how do we get there? How do we stand a chance among this society of March Madness Prophets and basketball gurus? Well, seeing that Penn State football is really the only sport for which I spend time rooting religiously and actually know [a little] something about, and knowing that the PSU men's hoops team rarely makes it to the tourney, there are few theories of mine that actually work when it comes to pulling off a win. There's that, and the fact that the tournament is in truth, very unpredictable, even for the most researched and loyal sport-heads. So, I present to you, my "Guide to Getting Through It: March Madness for Dummies" or "march Madness for Broads and Gays".

Notice I said, "Getting through it" and not "Winning it".

Getting through it can be done in various manners. The following are a brief listing of options to which you may or may not choose to adhere, but "I'm just sayin' "

A. You can slightly enjoy the tournament and all it has to offer. Here's how: Betting on sports can be (gasp!) fun. You've put up money...and now there's something at stake...so yes, even the small games matter...because once that team loses...they're out! So, you better scream at the TV, jump up and down, only pee during commercials and time outs and forget the rest of your plans until the tournament is over, because your team NEEDS you. Your team can HEAR you, right through the TV....no, seriously. (So stop telling your computer to shut the f*ck up right now because it has feelings too.)

B. March Madness can mean free time for you. Sure, you signed up to play along, you have a bracket. Sure, you're "watching all the games". But in reality, you can use this time as "me time". You'll fill in the winners later on, like when you're supposed to be working or something. During the games though, your boyfriend will be preoccupied...and you can do whatever you want...like take a 30 minute shower or give yourself a facial or watch the Food Network in the other room or try on outfits or shop online...and you won't be bothered! Hell, you can even go out with girlfriends and he won't even bat an eyelash when you mention it! Its like Football Sunday Freedom all over again!

C. Or maybe you actually ENJOY spending time with your boyfriend. Maybe your boyfriend is new...so, you get to spend an unadulterated couple of hours asking dumb questions like, "What happens when it bounces off that glass board and goes in? Is that a rebound?" or "What team does Michael Jordan play for?" . 'Cause lucky you, he still thinks its cute. Take advantage of that now, ladies, that crap doesn't last too long.

D. Maybe you're one of those girls who likes sports for the male attention, like girls who pretend to be so into their NFL team that they get pissed off when the other team scores, but then oops, didn't "get" what happened when an offsides is called. Either way, you've probably spent a couple of your recent lunch hours researching the college basketball teams, studying stats, and seeing who your guy friends pick, only so as to fill out your bracket accordingly. Maybe you've even gone as far as to have your brother fill it out for you. Hey, whatever gets you through it, chica. We're just spelling out the options here.

E. The last (and best) option, is in my opinion, to just do what everyone else does, and have fun with it! Go to ESPN.com or something, print out the goddamned bracket, and guess, for godssake... Well, guess in an educated manner, or, to the best of your ability. If that means you're guessing into the wind, then so be it! Who cares? Then, instead of complaining about how much basketball is on for the next couple of weeks, actually tune in and watch a game or two. Basketball isn't rocket science, if you're old enough to read this article, you're old enough to figure out that you can probably Wikipedia or Google the rules along with some of the likely winners.

So any way you look at it, March Madness is an American cultural phenomenon that rivals only the likes of the Superbowl and the American Idol finale. If you just go with the flow, you'll see that it can not only be something fun and entertaining to bridge the gap between winter and spring, but it can also provide hours of free (girl or gay) time, quality time with your new beau, or a quick lesson in gambling. If you're lucky, you may just pull off a win...and if not, don't fret, football season is right around the corner.